Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Mugur Daughters-in-Law

Ramu was the third in a family of ten, three of whom were girls, the first of whom was the sixth child. One brother has remained a bachelor. The rest have married from among quite a range of communities and linguistic groups. After most were married, I once heard Annaiya rightly remark that 'Not one of my daughters-in-law is from the same community' Almost proudly!

When the eldest son, Sundara, married a Maratti speaker, Prabha, way back in the forties, the parents not only concurred with his choice but also attended and participated in the wedding. That was quite something in those days! The second d-i-l, Shantha, is from the same community as the Mugur family, while I, the third. The Tamilian, was followed by Seetha, a Kannada speaker. Asha, a Maratti speaker again, was Raja's choice. However, with the marriage of Raghu, the youngest in the family, history was created with the first dissent from Annaiya. Since then, the family has seen Bengali, Gujarati [Parsi],Telugu, U.P. and Punjabi additions – quite a cosmopolitan mix, and mostly very smoothly! Among the very recent additions is an American but all these come years later!


Raghu's marriage came about two years after ours. He worked and lived in Bombay then. One day he wrote us all that he had decided to marry Diana, a Bene Israeli Jew [many of whom had been settled in Bombay and around for years, perhaps centuries, or migrated from Cochin and other Kerala towns which had been their home since the Diaspora]. Almost immediately, Annaiya penned his reply and showed it to me. I tried to remonstrate with him as he had written that if Raghu did marry Diana, he would disown him! But Annaiya was adamant saying, 'he can marry whomever he wants, but why does he have to convert to Judaism!' [Apparently, Diana's family insisted on this. I had till then thought that like Hinduism, Judaism also did not allow conversion to it, but it seems some reform sects allow it, as do some Hindu sects]. Even after this fiat, I pleaded with my f-i-l that he should not act so severely with his own son, but send it he did that very day.

Raghu went ahead with his marriage arrangements and invited all his family to the event. When Gopala said he would not go, for he disapproved of Raghu going against Father's wishes, and asked us what we would do, R and I said well, we would attend. We did so, along with Vivek and Kalpana, Sundara's young children, who were in Bombay for a holiday at that time, and had been deputed by Sundara and Prabha to represent them. Much later, I learnt from Tripuri, R's youngest sister, that Annaiya, who had gone to Delhi for a while at the time of the wedding and was staying with her, asked her if she would accept the invitation, implying that he did not think she should. To which she replied that she would have if she could, but her very young baby was the reason she did not plan to travel for the wedding. So we had the full range of reactions in one family!

The wedding itself was a fascinating ceremony, especially for us, who were totally unfamiliar with the Jewish customs and ritual. We had never been inside a functioning synagogue [the Cochin synagogue is a major tourist attraction with its lovely blue and white tiles, and both of us had seen it on our own, but tourists were not allowed during prayers or ceremonies].


The impasse between Annaiya and Raghu continued till a fortuitous circumstance soon after. Ramu and I decided to go to the USA for a few years, basically to get a new work experience, though it did not work out as just that. In those days, travel abroad had to be meticulously planned. Everything took time and follow-up till the last moment. Worst of all were the very strict exchange regulations even for the niggardly amounts that were sanctioned in those days.

Anyhow, finally, we were ready to leave after a few last days in Bombay to tie everything up. We stayed in a govt. guest house in the island/fort area. One day, we told Annaiya who had come up with us to see us off, that we were planning to visit Raghu in Juhu in the evening. He promptly said he would join us! We had no way of warning Raghu and Diana as they had no home phone, and Diana, we knew was already out of the office; Raghu was on his sales beat. It would have seemed odd to Annaiya if one of us had gone ahead from some place near the house, so we just prayed silently and went on. So, when we stood at their doorstep, Diana opened the door, and on seeing Annaiya, she went deathly pale. As soon as we were seated, she beckoned to me to the kitchen. She was trembling all over!

'Padmini, what shall I do? Is it ok to offer him something - what if he takes offence?', she babbled. I told her to calm down, and suddenly remembering my mother's practice and statements, advised her, ' Offer him some fruit and milk [ as they are not cooked, even the orthodox do not mind taking such things from other castes or religious groups. Now that I think of it, in India, we do boil the milk – even if it is pasteurised, but somehow that was ok to the orthodox]. I added that she should not take it to heart if he refused - after all, he had at least stepped into their house after earlier declaring Raghu was no longer his son!

Annaiya did take the fruit and milk, and soon Raghu joined us and the greetings and conversation were pretty normal. That was the beginning of the thaw, which culminated in Annaiya staying with them some years later, after their daughter, Abigail [Abby] was born!

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